Found these on some blog recently...they made me laugh...
I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"
I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards?
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars close up to prevent some jerk from cutting in. - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save the changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they reported how the person died
I totally regret all those times I didn't want to take a nap when I was younger.