It has been almost three years since Jeff and I were in the throes of marital heartache and all the ugliness and pain and disgust that was just tearing me to pieces. Since then, after all the sin came out in the open and was revealed, and after seeking counseling, we began fighting for our marriage instead of each other. We, both, decided to lay ourselves down and fight for us. Oh, but first I had to muster up so much bravery, because I could have easily buckled under the hurt. Bravery that only came when I laid my anger, my hurt, my unforgiveness, my disgust, the unfairness, discontent, and any other raging feeling at the feet of Jesus because He alone could take all that was bad and turn it around for good.
This was not a one time process, however, but again and again over these few years I (we) have had to lay myself down and all the hurt that wells up, sometimes uncontrollably, and put on bravery once again. Three years I ago I would have never believed we would still be married. And I would never have dreamed that we not only would still be married but our marriage would be thriving instead of failing. It has been so dang hard.
Today, we champion each other. We champion our marriage. We are seeking God first - together - and all those things God promised are being added. The pain isn’t gone. The hurt isn’t gone. The consequences of sin are not gone but I have found the Way to healing. I am thankful, truly, even after being hurt so bad, that Jeff decided to fight for me and for us. I used to think I didn’t need to feel secure, that it wasn’t one a need, however, I have learned that I need to feel secure in our marriage, in Jeff’s love and I can honestly say, these days, I do. Are their moments of uncertainty? You betcha’! But, just as quick as I can say Please, Lord...I find rest and security. Are we perfect yet? Heavens, no! But, we are putting one foot in front of the other, both lock step together.
Our big wins are praying together everyday, reading the Bible together, and reading a spiritual formation book aloud together. I am not stewing on doubts but confronting the beast. Jeff is not getting mad when I do. We are both paying a price, in different ways, but on the tail end of three years, the light isn’t simply peaking through the clouds. It is bursting through. A measure of bravery, resolute and unswerving in healing our marriage.